I heard once that there is a law in my state that prohibits the immediate sale of hand guns. This is because people have to go through several steps before legally obtaining one. I used to joke around and say that I was the reason for this law. Mostly because of my intolerance for my idiot ex-husband, whom, if I could, I would wipe off of the face of the planet. When my child suffered third degree burns due to his negligence, it was a good thing I couldn’t get my hands on one, because I would have killed him then.
What does this have to do with the three day rule? I’ll tell you.
If you’ve read my older posts, you’ll know that I am severely depressed. So much so that I’ve considered suicide. While I was in the process of ‘actually going to do it’, I thought about things. Was this a hasty decision? Am I allowing things going on in my life to allow me to make such a drastic decision, or was this something that I should actually be sure about before doing? I have never been one to make major decisions on the fly, everything I do is done after serious thought, much the same as any major decisions in a typical life. You don’t just willy-dilly buy a house, or marry someone on the fly, why wouldn’t I give this the same treatment?
To put it in perspective, to choose to end your life is a huge decision. I don’t let emotions get in the way of thinking when making big decisions about anything, and killing myself shouldn’t be any different. If anything, it’s one of the most important decisions that a suicidal person will make in their life. To snuff yourself out of this world permanently, no do-overs, no “wow, I probably shouldn’t have done that”. It is a game-over decision, and one you will not be able to change your mind about. Hence my three-day rule.
The rules during my three days:
1. I will not commit the act of suicide until I give myself three whole days to reflect on my decision. If after the three days I still choose to not be here, then I’ll go for it.
2. I will list, by name, the people my decision will hurt the most. My children, my boyfriend, and my family and friends.
3. I will list all of the things that I want to do before I die. Places I want to go, people I want to meet, anything that belongs on my bucket list.
4. I will say goodbyes, personally. I am not a note writer, I will in-person, in a way that people may not get the gist of what is going on, but I will say my goodbyes just the same. The people that love me, and that I love, deserve nothing less.
5. I will hold myself accountable. What kind of trama will I be unwillingly causing said family and friends. Can I handle being the one to cause them so much pain?
6. I will go to church. I have had a love/hate relationship with God, but I will go to confession to ask forgiveness for the sin I am about to commit.
7. I will enjoy the last three days of my life. I will make them the best days ever.
The purpose: to ensure that it is, in fact, the decision I want to make. Again, if I wake up the day after my three days and I still whole-heartedly want to end my life, I will do it.
The time I was actually prepared to do it that I wrote about was not my first time. I’ve wanted to sever times since then. Life is too much for me, and while I try my best to make the most of the hand I was dealt, I still feel like a prisoner. The only difference has been during my three day process, I always find SOMETHING that keeps me hanging on. There is always just one thing that keeps me going.
Listen to the chorus of Lady Gaga’s song Million Reasons. It’s helped save my life. Maybe not for the reasons she is singing it, but each time I have found my one good reason to stay, despite the million reasons to walk away.