If I were to diagnose myself.

A-typical Aspergers. If I were betting on odds of diagnosis, I’d put all my money on that. It didn’t hit me until one night when I was binge watching Archer (thank you Netflix), and they were in the desert when Lana said to Ray that she believes Archer to have an “A-typical form of high-functioning Autism”. Nothing to write home about, I mean they are cartoon characters, right? 

I come from a family with two diagnosed cases of Autism. My sibling, and my oldest child. It wasn’t until I absolutely completely began to lose my shit, that I noticed how similar I was to them. Well, not to the extent, but Autism is really just an “expression” issue if you think about it. It’s not that they aren’t cognitaviley smart, they are two of the smartest people I know IRL, it’s just they don’t act “socially appropriately”. 

Take for instance my oldest. If I take her anywhere that isn’t somewhere she wants to be, she throws a fit that rivals whatever the girls name in the Exorcist. Not. Kidding. It’s so bad that we have become hermits. If it isn’t worth the trouble of putting her through that, I’m probably not going. It’s interesting. I mean, a “typical” response to doing something that you don’t want to do is to be unhappy about it, is it not? So really, her reaction is appropriate, she is just expressing it in a way that is “inappropriate”. I have to say though, I am the same way. If I have to do something I don’t care for, it is like the end of the world to me. At least that’s what it feels like to me. I know I’m being ridiculous and dramatic, but I physically cannot help it. I just keep it to myself, well, at least for the most part.

My sibling does not have a filter and says whatever is being thought at all times. I am the same way. I don’t do it to be mean, it’s just I notice it. I’m the oldest of my siblings, so my parents weren’t burned out when raising me. Aka- if I said something rude, I got my mouth smacked. I can’t argue with the results they got, because while I may be thinking things, I’ve learned to just not talk at all lol. Sometimes I can’t help it though. My family especially hates it. I notice EVERYTHING and will point it out sometimes. It’s almost as if I just think aloud. 

I also cannot lie to save my life. I will either give it away by my facial expressions, or I will flat out admit I lied immediately after it flis out of my mouth. It’s not because I don’t have the temptation to lie, if it isn’t true then I just can’t do it. Mostly because it’s not logical. If asked a question, I am very honest, because I don’t understand why I might lie about something. People have stopped asking me my opinion about changes to appearances, relationship, or life advice. Everything is clinical to me. Logic too. If I don’t see logic behind something I can’t understand it. I don’t understand why people want to be lied to. I don’t. I don’t want to live in a reality with false pretenses, or a sense of something that isn’t there. Equally so, I can usually spot a lie a mile away. I remember every little detail about every little thing. It’s annoying. Like if someone says one item different in a recount of a story, I notice. It makes me bug-fuck, but people don’t like when I point it out, so again, I shut up. When in a place of employment, if it’s in the rules it’s God’s word, but if it isn’t explicitly in there, it’s free rule. I do not grasp the concept of “implied” meaning. I also, live by my own set of morals and ethics. Ask my last job. They were blatantly ripping people off, so I quit. I screwed myself and have made life that much harder on myself, but I just point-blank will not break rules and blatantly hurt others. I know it’s the nature of the beast anymore in the corporate world, but I refuse to change. Also doesn’t mean I do nothing to support myself. I have absolutely no shame in anything if it feeds my children. My kids justify 90% of the dumb shit I do to try and afford a decent life for them, what society thinks be damned.

I have a difficult time making eye contact with people. Like I have to physically make myself do it. And it hurts. Not like “oh my god, I’m going to die” hurt, but like an irritating papercut hurt. Again, I knew at a young age that I had to make myself do it, so I do. Still to this day, I have to make myself do it, and it gives me anxiety. Again, I don’t like it, and hence why I don’t really go hang out with people.

I’m very black and white, which gives me the ability to abuse the shit out of the grey area. Speech and Debate was my bread and butter in high school. Except it’s almost the reverse abuse of grey area. If it isn’t specifically in the rules, then it’s ok. It is not my job to interpret rules, regulations, laws, etc. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I guess I just take everything literally. 

I cannot function in chaos, which sucks, because my entire life has been one, giant, ‘what the fuck’. You know after something crazy happens, and things start to slow down enough that you’re just like dumbfounded. Yeah, that’s my every day. What makes it worse is that it is never me directly that is the chaos. Well I mean, I guess everything in my life is a direct result from something, but it seems like I pay for my sins forever. I’m not whining about it, it just is what it is. The trials and tribulations have always been major ones. Two special needs children, three major emergencies and extended hospital stays, when something is going on in my life it is always major. There is no gradual incline, no advanced warning, my life either is fine or the world is falling apart. No in-between.

That leads me to my ultimate point. I am detached, but not. I am the most loving, caring, put those that I care about above myself at all times. But I don’t lover people like that because I have to. It’s something that is earned, and built and it takes a long time. I guess what I am saying is most people have an ability to form that love because that’s what society tells them. I don’t care if someone is my family, friend, or a stranger. I don’t just have feelings automatically for anyone, save my kids. Which I also to be the reason why if I do find myself caring about someone, family or not, I would go to the ends of the earth for them. Their problems are my problems, their joys, my own. My mood can be affect by others. I could be happy, but if someone around me is in a shitty mood, I inadvertently get in a sympathy shitty mood too. Almost as if I am mimicking behaviour. 

Now, to throw a monkey wrench in, I love to make people laugh. It’s how I get through my awkwardness. I will make people laugh and entertain them no matter the cost. I love it  if I could entertain people for my entire life I would. It makes me happy to make others happy, but I absolutely positively cannot stand when the spotlight is on me as an individual. I like people to pay attention and enjoy my crazy antics, but don’t talk about them. I cannot handle compliments, or attention directed to me and not my actions. It sends me into a whirl-wind panic. I don’t know how to respond, and j don’t like for people to do it.it makes me so uncomfortable that I will generally leave wherever I am at shortly afterward. People expressing sympathy for me gives me the scratch. Do not make my situat ion seem sad. It’s not. I know it may seem overwhelming, sad and pathetic, but no amount of being sad about it is going to change it. And there is the clinical again. Whatever is going on in my life is just happening. It is what it is, the hand I’ve been dealt. To talk about “how difficult it must be” is counterproductive to me. It’s like pointing out if I’ve gained 1000 pounds. It’s just bad practice to me.I don’t need help in pointing out how shitty things are, I live it everyday. Don’t ask me how I do it, I just do. It’s black and white. Get shit on your shoe, you just wipe it off and keep walking. You don’t dote over how much it must have sucked. This is life. Because my tribulations seem devastating to some, we all step in shit. Just because someone’s particular brand of shit is different than mine, doesn’t mean they don’t experience the same feelings as I when they squish into it. 

Anyway, back to Archer. If you haven’t watched the show, it’s hilalrious, you should. Pay attention to his personality. That’s me.


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